Hit The Road Jack
by CloudSomersault
Summary: Jane is tired of all the dubious men chasing after Maura so when she hears about this… Jack Armstrong guy she has to resort to supernatural measures to keep him away from her. (Just a horrible fic written to vent in a cartoonish dark humor way)


**Jane is tired of all the dubious men chasing after Maura so when she hears about this… Jack Armstrong guy she has to resort to supernatural measures to keep him away from her.**

**This is just a story I wrote quickly because I was mad at this wishy washy Jack character. It made me hate the show, honestly. I don't care if Maura ends up with Jane or not, but I'm tired of all the screen time they're wasting on useless, forced character. I watch the show for Rizzoli and Isles screen time not for pathetic love interests that add nothing to the show. Sorry. I'm pissed. **

**I know the characters are OOC but... well... I just wanted to get rid of Jack really. No flames please.**

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><p><strong>Hit the Road Jack... and Don't Come Back No More<strong>

Jane was handed a list, a very important one at that. The witch had promised her that if she managed to get a hold of all these items and follow the instructions she would certainly get the results she wanted. She smiled at that as she walked into her car, grasping the list a little tighter in her hand. This list was her lifeline now.

She drove for nearly 2 hours, tiredness aside and she had already made 5 stops. By her own calculations in 30 more minutes she would finally have her last ingredient and she'd be on her way home to finally end this crucible of hers. She was so lost in thought she didn't realize it at first her GPS had told her to take a left turn 30 yards ago. Taking a deep, nervous breath she checked her mirrors and turned around the car, biting her lower lip and losing herself in the conscious feeling of knowing what she was doing wasn't right. She shook her head as she made her final turn and parked the car in front of an old building. It was the only building on this street. Walking out of the car she took another deep breath, trying to rid herself of the anxiety she was feeling, but only actually making it worse. With a sigh she rang the bell and waited.

"What?" a small old woman asked as she leaned heavily on her cane.

"Mm- hi ma'am… I called earlier I'm here to-"

"You're here for the prints of a butterfly foot," the woman told her nonchalantly, slowly turning around and walking into the house without bothering to wait for an answer.

Jane flinched. When she said it to herself it sounded completely absurd, but hearing this woman saying it out loud only made her feel like she had finally lost it, it sounded incredibly mental that's she'd drive this far to get butterfly prints. She frowned at her own stupidity, only to be pulled from her thoughts by the woman's hand on her forearm.

"There," the woman handed her a small piece of what looked like a cast.

"Uhm… how much do I owe you?" Jane asked in a raspy, somber tone.

The woman laughed in a high pitch that made Jane purse her lips.

"Oh dear… you owe me nothing. Whatever is it that you're doing with this… trust me… you'll pay the price someday. Magic always comes with a price."

Jane's eyes shot open. She wasn't sure if it was because every other witch had told her something similar or because she sounded exactly like Rumpelstiltskin.

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><p>The night was darker than usual when she finally made it home and, eager to start, she didn't even bother to unholster her gun and badge or remove her shoes or blazer. She walked into the kitchen, because it seemed like the perfect place to spread the ingredients and got one of the unused bowls her mother had made sure she kept at home in case someday she'd feel like cooking. She mentally thanked Angela and proceeded to grad the instruction's list from her pocket, setting it on the counter right next to her stove. She then placed a pan of water in her stove and the bowl on top, next she grabbed a mortar and proceeded. She was really going to do this.<p>

1. Add the petals of 7 flowers in all rainbow colors to the mortar

2. Add 4 measures of dragon snot to the mortar

3. Add 1 print of a butterfly foot to the mortar

4. Finely crush the ingredients in the mortar

5. Add half of the amount of the crushed ingredients to your cauldron

6. Stir 3 times, clockwise

7. Leave to brew for 15 minutes

8. Add a jar of mist

9. Stir 3 times, anti-clockwise

10. Add the slime of a slug that ate a potato in the last 24 hours

11. Shake the cauldron to complete the potion

With reluctance Jane grabbed the ends of the bowl and shook it slightly, before setting it aside to store in a jar. There was only one final step to be completed.

12. Drop the potion in your loved one's toilet and have them flush it.

Jane groaned. It was almost 3 in the morning, Maura would kill her if she showed up this late. But then again… the doctor had a lunch date the following day with that Barf guy and she couldn't wait to finish the magic. It's was a pressing matter that she needed to resolve quickly before Maura had the opportunity to jump in bed with him.

She tried not making any noise as she walked into Maura's house and she hoped the blonde wouldn't wake up because of her. She was about to enter the guest bedroom to drop the contents of the potion in the toilet when she realized the instruction's specifically said to drop it on the loved one's toilet and, although the guest bathroom was still Maura's, she had a feeling she'd have to drop the contents in the main bathroom, inside Maura's bedroom. Jane groaned again.

She removed her shoes, leaving them on the hallway and tiptoed to Maura's bedroom. Pushing the door open as slowly as she could she walked inside, momentarily closing her eyes tightly as the floor creaked. She was being a creep and she was sure she should arrest herself for the invasion, yet she continued. Jane turned the lights to the bathroom on and stepped inside.

"Jane?" she heard Maura asking groggily. "What are you doing here? It's… late!"

Jane cursed to herself. "I uh… needed to… use the bathroom."

"So you drove all the way to my house to use mine?" Maura squinted her eyes, looking at Jane's back.

"Yeah!" Jane quickly turned around to face Maura with a forced smiled. "My bathroom… the toilet… it's not very comfortable." She cringed at her own excuse. Surprisingly though, Maura nodded her agreement as if considering the validity of the argument.

"Ok then," The doctor said simply.

Relieved Jane walked into the bathroom and closed the door. Taking a deep breath she opened the toilet lid and grabbed the jar she had been hiding on the purse she never used. With just a little hesitation she dropped the contents of it in the toilet and closed the lid.

"Uhm… Maura!" Jane called.

"Yes Jane?"  
>"Can you flush the toilet for me?"<p>

"What? Why?"

"It's just… my fingers hurt!" Jane cringed again, shaking her head.

There was silence for a couple of minutes.

"Honestly Jane… couldn't you seriously flush the toilet by yourself?" Maura asked puffing, as she entered the bathroom.

"They really hurt Maur." Jane pouted.

The blonde doctor chuckled. "What have you done this time?" she asked as she flushed.

"Nothing." Jane replied in an high pitched tone.

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><p>"Ma!" Jane called as she walked inside Maura's house.<p>

"In here Janie!"

Jane followed her mother's voice to Maura's kitchen where her mother sat with a pensive blonde.

"What happened? How was your date with that Jack guy?"

Angela looked at her daughter with saddened eyes.

"He's paraplegic," Maura replied somberly.

"What?" Jane asked genuinely shocked. She had never thought her potion would actually injure the guy.

"It's true! Everything just went wrong!" The medical examiner explained in frustration.

"What do you mean? Why is he paraplegic?"

"I – I don't know. I… Everytime he tried to touch me something happened," Maura explained. Jane looked at her with suspicion.

"I'm serious Jane. At first he tried to hold my hand and a bee stung it. When I tried to hold it myself to see it, a kid threw a basketball at it. When he tried to put his arm around me, a bunch of cyclists crashed against him. A huge pile of cyclists and bikes, Jane, crushing him! Still he got up and I helped him to the car. Nothing happened there. I opened the door for him to get inside the car and he rubbed my arm as a thank you gesture and a cat jumped on his face, scratching him and biting him. It was awful Jane!" Maura sobbed.

"But… how did he end up paraplegic?" she asked astonished.

"We made it to the ER, I helped him out of the car and the doctors took him inside. He was taken care of and discharged a couple of hours later so I was going to drop him off at home. As we neared his building he thanked me for the help and apologized for the disastrous date. He kissed me on the lips and then said goodbye. I was walking to my car when I hear screeching tires…" Maura whispered.

"What happened?"

"He was ran over by a truck."

Jane swallowed hard.

"I can't ever see him again. I think it's me. I can't find a logical explanation, but…"

"Don't be ridiculous sweetheart. How could you possibly be to blame?" Angela reasoned.

"I- I don't know. But I can't see him anymore or he'll probably die." The woman told them. "I will never date men again."

At that Jane smiled. Mission accomplished.


End file.
